Shame

   
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Shame is a paralyzing force. In fact, it's so difficult, so painful for most people that it gets buried very deeply within the psyche so as not to be experienced in any conscious way. Then of course, it works its diminishing magic more subtly, more insidiously, out of view, but no less active and damaging for that. This seems to happen automatically, as a necessary strategy for survival and for some level of "acceptable" functioning in the world and in relationships.

Too bad. Yet at the same time there is the possibility of growing into a conscious approach to this horrible sense of oneself, and when this can happen, and when this self identity can be approached and worked with therapeutically and compassionately, the shifts in one's experience of oneself, the grace with which one can begin to relate with oneself can be astounding and wonderful.

If you are feeling stuck in therapy - or in your life for that matter - or if you are finding yourself repeating patterns that you thought you'd "worked with", or that you can't seem to get a grip on, or that are destructive or damaging or...........
it's possible that a more focused exploration of shame in your being could open things up for you in ways that will be very beneficial.

The Intersection Of Spiritual And Psychological Health

Carrying on from last post about forgiveness, we begin to see how the principles of spiritual development and psychological health intersect. It is understood that we are not talking about religion in any organized sense, or about any rigid set of beliefs about this or that. Isn't it telling that on any given street of significant size there might be several different churches, synagogues or temples, each offering the real "truth" as only its teachings can provide, each believing that it has the "right" way, probably the only right way to that truth, and each sure of its special place at God's side. Of course this assessment can be carried around the world, with each country and each religion claiming that oh so special place in the scheme of right things for itself.

This is not what we're interested in here. We are instead interested in the core spiritual principles and teachings of many of the world's wisdom traditions. These, not surprisingly, tend to be very similar, if not exactly the same. I'm willing to conclude that these principles and teachings are rooted in an understanding of the human condition and the human psyche, so that when we are instructed to practice, for example, forgiveness, it is not simply in order to meet an arbitrary and perhaps nice, if naive "be good" agenda - or to be controlled by the power of the State for its own nefarious purposes, as in religion as the opiate of the people - but because it is understood that this experience is central to the deepest levels of health, or wholeness, or healing that the human psyche can achieve.

"I'll give you everything I got for a little peace of mind" sang Mr. Lennon. I recently read through most of a biography of Marlon Brando - I couldn't finish the whole thing. It was, frankly, too painful and a history of too much self-indulgence to be altogether tolerable. One of the themes running through the book was Mr. Brando's endless search for some peace of mind, a quest which he did not succeed in (despite, incidentally, decades of psychoanalysis). At one point he is quoted as saying to a fellow actor that he - this other actor - could never portray a certain kind of experience because he, the other actor, had never hated the way he, Mr. Brando, hated. The sense of this hatred is palpable throughout the book, and I don't think it's any accident that Mr. Brando failed to achieve peace of mind in its presence. The two are indeed mutually exclusive, as we have been instructed over and over again.

If psychotherapy is to be able to help clients achieve some experience of relaxation, of peace of mind, of happiness, then it seems all too obvious that certain principles and practices which have been discovered to lend themselves to the attainment of these experiences will need to be, at some point in the process, employed.





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A Little On Forgiveness

So let's talk about forgiveness, or more precisely, self forgiveness. If the thesis that you are punishing yourself is accurate, then in place of a punitive relationship with yourself, a relationship of forgiveness, tolerance, compassion and acceptance of your humanity becomes the antidote, and the key to your liberation from the heavy psychological hand of this internal prison guard/enforcer.

You understand of course that we are entering the realm of spirituality, but not only spirituality. This is also the realm of psychological health, happiness, freedom and well being. It may not be just as simple as "love is all you need", or it might be just that simple, as long as we distinguish between the principle and its implementation. The simplistic notion that one needs to just "let go" has to be abandoned, and in its place the realistic practice of actively cultivating an integrated, felt experience of self love will be undertaken.

How to do this? You can use whatever methods work for you: visualization, self soothing, self hugging, self talk, self parenting, singing to yourself, etc. Welcoming the inner part of you who has transgressed. Practicing an understanding and supportive relationship with that part of you.
Treating yourself gently rather than harshly. Engaging a new belief that says that you will be a better person for offering yourself forgiveness than for imposing punishment.

Oh yes. There is the element of time. While "just let go" is supposed to happen instantly, the reality is that forgiveness develops over time and with effort and intention.






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Being "Bad"

What about those very deeply established feelings and beliefs that many people live with, sometimes knowingly and sometimes, maybe mostly, unknowingly, that they are "bad". This often takes the form of struggling with "inner voices" of self judgment, self criticism, and shame.
Shame being about who you are, as distinct from guilt, which is more about what you've done.
Sometimes there are no identifiable "voices", just the gnawing feelings of badness, of imperfection, of failure to live up to some internalized - and generally impossible - set of moral standards. There is usually no wiggle room; after all, these are matters of MORALITY, and so no room for self forgiveness, understanding, tolerance of one's flaws or mistakes, or acceptance. One must, typically, be punished in some form for one's transgressions, and people are incomprehensively creative in inventing ways to see that sentence is carried out, usually from within, without the need of external authority.

This can range from relatively mild self denigration to complete self denial in the form of severe dissociation or amnesia. Mostly we live in the mid zone, with addiction, neuroses of one kind or another, co-dependency, non-nurturing relationships, power struggles, varying degrees of physical, emotional and spiritual violence, both self imposed and imposed by others, self hatred,
malaise, anger, anxiety, depression and despair.

Oh, and let's not forget the inability to apply to oneself all of the consideration, understanding, tolerance and forgiveness that one can more readily and naturally extend to virtually anyone else. At this point the situation becomes slightly bizarre, if common.

To be continued......................







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A Work/Life Dilemma

What if you are youngish, have a well paying job, with good health benefits, and flexibility insofar as seasonal down time is built in, which you like, and now you have a primary relationship which, of course, needs attention and nurture, and you work 60 to 80 hours a week which makes this nurture impossible, and indeed you get lost to yourself in this job, by which I mean that you do not now know what your actual needs and wants are and you are not doing the things that you can identify as central to your deeper passions and creative fulfillments, because you simply operate on automatic pilot, though you do the job well? (Breath).

What you get is some feeling of financial security, and this is important to you because you grew up poor and didn't like it, the possibility of creating a small nest egg, a feeling of control, and of course the health benefits, which you may actually need to use because you also haven't felt really well for several months now.

What do you lose? Yourself, your relationship, the possibility of having a family, maybe your health, your passions, your joy, in some meaningful way your happiness.

What would you do in this situation?






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