Paradox: Beauty And Liberation

These days I seem to be more keenly aware of the necessity to be able to appreciate the reality of paradox, not only in life, but, of course, in therapy. Just yesterday, for example, I found myself talking to a couple about the fruitfulness of being able to recognize and somehow truly get the gist of this experience in their relationship. I'm not talking about an abstract conceptual understanding only, but an experiential understanding of what it feels like - liberating, if truly "grocked" - to embody the reality of paradox. A simple, yet, I think, powerful example: the necessity to be able to accept oneself (and one's partner for that matter) in a deep and loving way, with all of one's foibles and imperfections, while fully embodying the willingness, and even the necessity to make (healthy) changes. (Dr. Marsha Linehan has articulated this paradoxical imperative perhaps most formally in her Dialectical Behavior Therapy).

To me, this "truth" has a philosophical, ontological ring to it. It speaks somehow to the way things are in the universe, including how they are in relationships and intra-psychically. So, coming to appreciate this view of the way things are has important psychological, relational, and therapeutic implications, and might be used very effectively in these contexts. This relates to the notion that the truth actually does set one free, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, if it is fully integrated and experienced.

How different it feels, how freeing, to deeply understand that apparently contradictory elements in one's life, elements which normally create a psychological tension and distress, do not need to be "reconciled" or eliminated, but that they are in fact true simultaneously, and may both be allowed to be. A mundane, yet sometimes critical example of this in relationships: it is possible to love and relate harmoniously with a partner who has attributes and behaviors that one does not like, without feeling that one must insist that these attributes or behaviors disappear, and feeling perpetually frustrated when they do not. (There are, of course, limits. If the attributes or behaviors that one does not like happen to be something like abusive actions, or destructive addictions for example, then it may indeed be appropriate to insist that these change or "disappear").














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