A Therapeutic Paradox

There's a paradox that operates in therapy which consists of the attitude of what has been called "radical acceptance", along with the understanding that there is at the same time a necessity for change. Both are true at the same time, and both, if therapy is to be as successful as it can be, need to be cultivated and engaged.

This understanding is often very different from what people come to therapy assuming. It is almost universal that people think they need to "get rid of" something about themselves, or of some part of themselves, or at least that they want to get rid of something. Of course this misses the necessity of acceptance, and focuses, often prematurely, on the idea of change.

Example: a professional woman comes to see me, assuming that there are some things about her personality that are causing her problems in relationships, and wanting to know how she can go about changing these parts of herself. As we talk and explore her concerns and her ways of being in the world, we begin to discover that she has learned many forms of self judgment and self criticism. She believes, for example, that she is not gregarious enough in social situations, and that she is not good enough at small talk and "mingling", and that this is why her primary relationship is faltering. She wants to, or thinks she wants to, change these qualities of hers, thinking that if she does so, her relationship will be better.

I introduce the idea of putting changes on the back burner, while focusing instead on the idea that it would be very helpful to her to begin to understand her inherent personality qualities; to think about how she might relate with these qualities if her self criticisms of them could somehow be put aside; to discover if it might be possible to actually find ways to appreciate these qualities of hers, to value them.

Making changes will come much more easily and naturally from a position of self appreciation than from one of self hatred.















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A Second Premise Of Contemplative Psychotherapy

Another operating premise of contemplative psychotherapy is that there are two basic requirements which will create the most advantageous environment for encouraging the changes you may wish to make. These are the cultivation of
1) an attitude or relationship of acceptance of where one is right now; and
2) an attitude or relationship of compassion regarding oneself, as well as others.

Through cultivating (there's nothing instant about this) both acceptance and compassion toward oneself, it is possible to create a cauldron into which all of one's concerns and imperfections and questions and doubts and troubles can be cooked into workable ingredients for a tasty and healthful stew of transformation.
On the other hand, if one attempts to make real and beneficial changes while starting from a place of hostility, criticism and judgement toward oneself, it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to proceed fruitfully. You may already have some experience of this.

There are different ways to cultivate these qualities within oneself, and in the contemplative approach, various meditation techniques and practices can be employed
toward this end, as well as utilizing the power of the therapeutic relationship itself as a catalyst and as a tool for this cultivation. The process in either case is an experiential, and not a theoretical one.















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A Starting Premise Of Contemplative Psychotherapy

How might one approach working with ("treating") anxiety, or depression, or really any number of concerns, from a contemplative perspective? Before we can answer that, we need to establish some basic understanding about the working assumptions and basic premises of contemplative psychotherapy. For example, perhaps the bedrock assumption is that we are all fundamentally, essentially, at our core, both good and healthy. This sounds simple doesn't it? In fact though, it flies in the face of the virtually inescapable Western Judeo-Christian world view with which we have all been infected to one degree or another, which assumes just the opposite: that we are essentially "bad" or "fallen" or "sinful", and that we are also, perhaps as a direct result, somehow doomed to illness as a punishment for this condition.

This is not at all a simple matter, psychologically, emotionally, somatically or spiritually. The implications are profound and usually traumatic. Think about it for a moment. If you have been raised in a culture which has taught you, explicitly or implicitly, that you are sinful, and that there's really nothing you can do about this, and that you will have to be punished for this sin even though you may have had nothing to do with creating it; and if you have internalized these teachings, as children naturally do, and they have now become, perhaps, the unconscious template for life from which you are functioning, how do you imagine this would affect you? Your view of life? Your moods? Your inner conflicts? Your (probably hidden) beliefs about yourself?

If, on the other hand, you begin with the notion that you are, in your very nature, good and whole and healthy, even if you might not be living up to this truth at all times and in all things, how do you imagine this view might affect you?















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Psychotherapy And Self - Realization

If psychotherapy isn't only about relieving symptoms or diminishing overall or specific distress, what else might it be capable of? In the spirit of an integrated approach to well being and to happiness, psychotherapy can also be a process of spiritual awakening, of Truth seeking, and of Self - Realization. Any insight oriented or awareness based approach to therapy is, by definition, a process of finding the truth behind appearances, of exploring the unconscious or the hidden, and of relying on these discoveries to promote healing and happiness. The Truth will set you free, if it is recognized, appreciated, and properly integrated into one's psyche and one's life.

The search for meaning; for understanding; for self knowledge; for wisdom.......all of these classical endeavors are inherent in the exploratory therapeutic process. It's no leap at all to recognize the potential for a path to self realization within this process. The actualization of this potential depends on the client's intention and desire, and on the therapist's understanding and ability.

This is one of those instances where the skill of the therapist may include the ability to guide the client along the path of self inquiry, and the ability to help the client make important and fruitful connections linking the psychological, emotional, cognitive and spiritual dimensions of self. In order to avoid the pitfalls of "spiritual bypass" (a condition wherein there is some genuine spiritual achievement, while a lack of integration of this achievement remains active, thus creating both internal and external imbalance and distress in thinking, feeling and behavior), the process of psychotherapy as Path includes the means for integrating, balancing,and harmonizing advancement and development across all dimensions of self.

Clearly, not everyone who enters therapy will be either aware of or interested in this potential in the process. For those who are either aware or interested however,
the rich soil of possibility, along with the skill of the therapist/gardener, may yield a surprisingly abundant harvest.















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Relationship Intimacy: Making A Real Connection

Here's an example of the sensitivity, the awareness and the insight required to make a real and intimate connection with another: a married couple is working with me because they are aware of certain differences and stresses and conflicts in their new union that are presenting problems for them. We talk a lot about more effective communication of course, and about strategies for increasing the feeling and the experience for both of them of being connected, rather than so much struggling with conflict and anger and frustration.

One of the issues between them has to do with the kind of order created in their house. For her, certain kinds of order and cleanliness are extremely important. This gives her a sense of safe-haven. For him, these concerns rank about 5 on a 1-10 scale, so the priorities are very different for each of them. In the course of exploring the importance of being able to learn how to value and accept each others different realities - not agree with, but accept the real differences - as a basis for negotiating a compromise, it became clear that this idea was very distressing for her. Somehow, it was not ok to accept his experience. No. What he valued and wanted was unacceptable. It had to be her way.

We continued to explore the meaning of this vehemence, in what, on the surface, would seem to be a rather banal, and therefor manageable difference. But it wasn't.
Turns out that compromising in this area in particular would mean, for her, losing the symbols around her of how far she had come from the very painful, chaotic, frightening and humiliating experience of childhood poverty - an experience that she wants never to come close to again.

The feelings involved in what appear to be a simple and very mundane set of circumstances reveal a much deeper and more powerful set of experiences and motivations for one's behavior, and in this case, for one's insistence. Learning how to tune into this level of experience and feeling, how to be sensitive to "what's really going on" behind the obvious, becomes a crucial set of relationship skills, both within oneself, and between partners.

The outcome of this insight in session was that she could much more clearly and surprisingly understand where she was coming from, could enter into the feelings of vulnerability that were being aroused, and he could, now also understanding the real meaning behind her inflexibility, and witnessing her vulnerability, offer equally real nurturance and support. A true connection had been made, where previously there was only conflict and bad feelings.














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Contemplative Psychotherapy Intro

Contemplative psychotherapy is defined, at least on the official Contemplative Psychotherapy.net website that I show on, as a blending of Buddhist awareness practices with Western psychotherapy. The term "mindfulness" has achieved a lot of currency in the last 20 years or so, what with Dr.Jon Kabat-Zinn's work on mindfulness based stress reduction, and now mindfulness based cognitive therapy, as well as with the growing presence in the culture of various meditation practices and techniques, and Dr.Marsha Linehan's extensive development of Dialectical Behavior Therapy with its "teflon mind" core, based on her years of practice of Zen Buddhist meditation.

So then, do you have to adopt Buddhism in order to benefit from contemplative psychotherapy? No, of course not. This is not a religion, or a dogma, or a cult that you have to join. It is simply an incorporation into the experience of psychotherapy of very practical and scientifically based attitudes, views and, if one wishes, practices, that have been shown to clearly aid in developing a more kind relationship with oneself, as well as with others. This is important because we now know that, and I have talked about this in previous posts, one's relationship with oneself and with one's experiences is a key factor in how one ends up feeling, and functioning in the world.

Contemplative psychotherapy aims to use the therapeutic process to help the client learn how to accept and love oneself in the best sense of the words, while also learning how to facilitate for oneself the kinds of changes that are desired, and that, depending on circumstances, may also be required in order to live a more healthy and happy life.














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A Simple Clarification

What about second, or third marriages? Or if not yet a marriage, what about the relationship after a divorce which has the potential to become a marriage?

One partner is pushing for the marriage, the commitment, while the other is holding back. This other, the one holding back, comes to see me, presumably to try to gain some insight about the situation. When, after some introductory banter and "reading" of the environment, I ask what has brought him in, he answers: "My girlfriend!" with a chuckle. From here we begin to explore the nature of the relationship from his perspective, some of the history that has led him to this point (they're both divorced), and what his feelings and wishes are regarding entering into another marriage.

Turns out that, on a scale of one to ten, he's at a nine when it comes to not ever wanting to experience again the pain of what he's gone through with his divorce. This doesn't bode well for another marriage with (having happened once, it could clearly happen again) the same potential. He's "committed to the relationship", but "not to a marriage". So is he then committed to the relationship? In light of his stated preference for ending the relationship rather than entering into a marriage, we might have to conclude that he is not?

Sometimes it just helps to talk with a professional to get a little clarity about where you're really at.














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