To Stay Or Not To Stay?

Whether to stay together in a long term relationship which has involved much hurt for both people, is a challenging question. If there is a child, or children involved, the question becomes more challenging, since we can assume that bad energy between partners has already adversely affected the children, and is continuing to do so. How much hurt is too much? Where is the point of no return, beyond which reconciliation and repair are simply not possible, and quitting the relationship would be best for all, including, in the final analysis, the children?

I wish there was a pat answer to these questions. I don't know one if there is. I do know that there is a point beyond which it would not be advisable to stay together, if our interest is in the wellbeing of all concerned. This point is reached when there has been so much hurt that sticking around and trying to make it right would be more injurious than helpful. I believe that people can and should suffer only just so much injury in relationships. I'm not an advocate of the martyr approach, which might recommend endless patience, endless justifications, endless apologies and endless relapses into hurtful behavior.

If there are children, they are witnessing hurtful relationship dynamics, and are learning how they are very likely to relate with other people, especially with their future partners. They are also experiencing repeated injury themselves, through their own fear (or terror), confusion, chaos, anger, or self blame that is part and parcel of being exposed to repeated hostility and discord.

If both adults feel strongly that they are able, willing, and desirous of making significant cognitive and behavioral changes for the better (with professional help of course), then it would be well worth trying. If either of them are ambivalent, the outcome may be harder to foresee. In all cases, the safety and wellbeing of the children need to be a first consideration, and this is not always a straightforward assessment.

If you are experiencing significant relationship discord, please get professionanl help right away. There's no need or good reason to wait while things get worse.