Vulnerability And Change

Why is it difficult to make desirable changes in the ways we think, feel and behave? Of course there are going to be a number of reasons, but I want to focus for a minute on an area that seems to present particular challenges. That is, the capacity to allow the more vulnerable aspects of ourselves to come into focus. I don't know enough about the world's cultures to pronounce authoritatively about whether or not this is an issue around the globe (I believe it is clearly becoming more of an issue as much of the world becomes more Americanized), but I am willing to say that in American culture, vulnerability is discouraged in multiple ways.

Just one example: I recently attended a daylong conference on the needs of boys in our society. The keynote speaker, Luis Rodriquez, presented a moving account of some of his own history of gang involvement, drug addiction, violence, and despair. One of the stories he told was about how, when he was in prison, he was confronted by another man who was making it clear to Luis who was in charge. Threats were delivered. According to Luis, the only possible response to these threats was the stereotypical comeback of: well, if you're going to hurt me, you'd better be sure that I'm good and dead, because if I'm not, I'm going to come after you and kill you.

This is an extreme example of course, but it illustrates the truth for many people, even if the degree of intensity isn't the same, how vulnerability is undesirable. The risks, whether they be of physical violence, or emotional violence, are most often too high. We tend to choose power and control over vulnerability.

But what are the costs of always - or nearly always - choosing power and control? They are equally high, or even higher, if we include many spiritual teachings from different respected sources. From a psychological point of view, we lose our more genuine selves. We become hardened and defended. We lose the ability to experience intimacy and love. We damage our relationships, and become isolated, alienated and more and more alone. Of course, for some, this becomes some form of ultimate defense: the "I don't need anybody", "lone wolf", "self reliant" defense. This sort of thing has been idealized in American culture, with no reference to the price we pay for it.

So, for both men and women, vulnerability becomes an extremely important skill. For one thing, it's at least sometimes the actual case. If only we would admit it, we often do feel vulnerable, not so strong and in-charge, even tender. Directly related to the question of vulnerability is the question of safety, and how to create and develop that, both externally and internally, so that vulnerability is a real and authentic option in the right circumstances.