One of the striking hallmarks of the new Obama administration, at least to me, is the repeated references one hears to "listening". Mr. Obama instructs his State Department emmissaries to listen to what the leaders abroad have to say. Yesterday, in his meeting with bank CEO's, he is reported by one of them to have done a lot more listening than talking. In his response to the students to whom I referred in my last post, and their video "Is Anyone Listening?", he assures them that he is.
Although skillful listening is a basic of good counseling, and learning how to listen actively is a basic of good communication for everyone, every now and then I am reminded in a session of just how powerful and inescapable this ability is, and how essential it is in helping people to connect, to heal, and to make desirable changes. What careful listening says is that: I care about you; I want to understand you; I respect you, and what you have to tell me; I want to engage with you so that you can feel acknowledged, appreciated, and, of course, heard.
This speaks to a fundamental need that, I think, all people share: the need to be received; to feel that they are in some way welcomed and valued. There are those, of course, who will say, and who may even believe, that "I don't need anyone." "I don't care whether you approve of me or not." "What you think of me doesn't matter." In fact, these sentimeents are considered sexy, especially for men, but also more and more for women. Just spend 15 minutes looking at the images in any movie theater, in any magazine, on TV. I went to a movie just the other day, and was struck, again, by the movie posters in the lobby, advertising current and coming films. Almost every one of them, maybe 4 or 5, featured images of men with scowling, hard, penetrating, threatening faces. Real men. Men who don't give a damn what you think. Men who clearly don't need any one. The "sexiest" images of women, especially in "fashionable" media, are all of pouty, aggressive, sometimes cadaverous looking models. They don't need you. You need, and want, them, and they know it and thereby have all the power.
But really, we all want, and need, to be genuinely welcomed. Listening carefully is one of the most potent ways to give this welcome. Amazing things are possible from this basis.
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1 comment:
My wife and I spent some time in marriage counseling to help us through a difficult period. I always fancied myself a good communicator. I probably was better than average in that department. I was fairly articulate and could express myself well. My work experience had trained me to analyze situations, develop alternatives, evaluate the merits of each alternative, devise an implementation plan, and execute the plan. That all required good communication (and listening). I could do it fairly easily.
But the communication skill set needed at home is significantly different than the skill set needed in my corporate life. I needed to evaluate less, and listen more. I also had to learn that I was communicating more with my body language, tone of voice, and even by what I wasn’t saying, than by the words I spoke.
I learned that my wife needed to be listened to. She needed to be valued (received, welcomed, validated). I, in turn, had the same need to be received, welcomed, and validated by her.
I also needed to listen to myself. I would often react to her comments, body language, and what she didn’t say with an emotional response that was rooted in years of conditioning, and also rooted in childhood experiences. I reacted without processing. My emotional reaction ruled my verbal (and non verbal) response and completely neglected her need to be listened to (and vice versa).
Once I learned to listen to myself, and understand the root cause of my emotional reaction it became easier to listen to (validate, welcome, and receive) my wife. And she did the same with understanding her emotional response and it became easier for her to listen to (and validate) me.
Now that I am a therapy student I am learning once again the importance of the art of listening.
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