A Little (or Not so Little) Hole In The Soul

One of the things that will cause this hole to form is the emotional absence of a parent during your childhood, even when they are physically present, and even when they are not actively "abusive". The child's needs for the parents are multi-layered. They need physical sustenance, they need to be held and physically nurtured, they need to be cleaned, they need to bond with the parent as a way of establishing a sense of security in the world, they need the parent to reflect for them who they are and who they are becoming, they need encouragement, limits, information, and instruction.

If the parent isn't able or willing to be there for the child, an empty psychological space forms, a hole in the soul or in the self where there needs to be substance, and in some ways, inevitably, the child - and later the adult - will make attempts to find or to create that substance when it is absent. Usually these ways are "negative", or misguided, or impossible, since the child does not understand what it is doing, or what it actually needs, and is acting out of an instinctive drive toward fulfillment at which it cannot succeed. As one of my professors once said, it is in relationship that we are wounded, and it is, after all, in relationship that we are healed.

The way we know that this hole in the soul exists is by inference, by observation of behavior, and by what our bodies tell us by way of our emotions and other somatic clues. We feel sad, we feel hurt, maybe angry, maybe we feel the emptiness where that hole is, maybe we feel somewhat lost or insecure or anxious or depressed. We know that something isn't what it's supposed to be. Our early needs have been neglected, and we live with the effects. And, in some form, these needs continue to exist, and continue to seek satisfaction. They must. It's simply the way we're made.

In spite of the fact that we may believe that we shouldn't have needs, or that at least we shouldn't have "childish" needs, or that we ought to be "grown up" (usually another way of saying we should be needless), there they are. Learning to acknowledge and to identify, to accept and to meet our needs are crucial steps in actually growing up.



www.matthewdavid-lpcc.webs.com