A Little (or Not so Little) Hole In The Soul

One of the things that will cause this hole to form is the emotional absence of a parent during your childhood, even when they are physically present, and even when they are not actively "abusive". The child's needs for the parents are multi-layered. They need physical sustenance, they need to be held and physically nurtured, they need to be cleaned, they need to bond with the parent as a way of establishing a sense of security in the world, they need the parent to reflect for them who they are and who they are becoming, they need encouragement, limits, information, and instruction.

If the parent isn't able or willing to be there for the child, an empty psychological space forms, a hole in the soul or in the self where there needs to be substance, and in some ways, inevitably, the child - and later the adult - will make attempts to find or to create that substance when it is absent. Usually these ways are "negative", or misguided, or impossible, since the child does not understand what it is doing, or what it actually needs, and is acting out of an instinctive drive toward fulfillment at which it cannot succeed. As one of my professors once said, it is in relationship that we are wounded, and it is, after all, in relationship that we are healed.

The way we know that this hole in the soul exists is by inference, by observation of behavior, and by what our bodies tell us by way of our emotions and other somatic clues. We feel sad, we feel hurt, maybe angry, maybe we feel the emptiness where that hole is, maybe we feel somewhat lost or insecure or anxious or depressed. We know that something isn't what it's supposed to be. Our early needs have been neglected, and we live with the effects. And, in some form, these needs continue to exist, and continue to seek satisfaction. They must. It's simply the way we're made.

In spite of the fact that we may believe that we shouldn't have needs, or that at least we shouldn't have "childish" needs, or that we ought to be "grown up" (usually another way of saying we should be needless), there they are. Learning to acknowledge and to identify, to accept and to meet our needs are crucial steps in actually growing up.



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Getting Involved With Teen Age Boys And Anger

Today I had my first experience working with an at-risk group of middle school boys, around the theme of anger. All of them had expressed that they wanted help with their anger, so my wife, who is the school's Wellness Counselor, and the creator of the group, asked me if I'd talk with them. She asked me because I have considerable professional - and personal -experience working with anger issues, and she thought I could help them.

You have to understand that I've spent my entire professional life saying that I don't work with teens, and in fact I haven't. So I was curious about how this would go. Why was I open to it at all, you might be wondering? Nancy and I attended a one day conference very recently, about the kinds of emotional/psychological/mentoring services that New Mexico boys are needing, and very often not getting. I've been finding myself, in the last couple of months maybe, becoming more open to the possibility of working with teens. I don't know why exactly, and this conference contributed to my willingness and to my interest, so I said I'd try it when Nancy asked.

I was delighted to experience this group of 13 boys, very sweet really, adolescently antsy, and virtually all of them willing to open up and share with me, a stranger to them, about their experiences with anger, what it looks like for them when it arises, and what they'd like to be different about it. I introduced them to some new ideas about the spectrum of anger possibilites, some basic information about the bio-chemical connection between anger and adrenaline, some corrections about some misconceptions regarding anger (like the unreality of wanting to "not get angry at all"), and some introductory encounter with the range of basic human feelings.

I'll be visiting with them again next week, and will invite them to do some role playing regarding the themes of anger in their lives. Of course, hands-on is a necessity with a group like this. The more they can be directly involved, the easier it will be for them to learn.



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Addiction And A Healthy Life

It's important to look behind the scenes a bit, when you're dealing with substance abuse or addictive behaviors. Asking "why" a person is drinking, or using, or acting out in other ways is necessary in order to get a more accurate read on what the "real" issues are. For example, is a person drinking excessively because they're grieving, because they're depressed, because they're anxious, or in order to cope with other difficult and challenging feelings? Is there trauma behind the scenes that has never been resolved? If so, is there Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

The most well known view, these days, of addiction, is that it's a disease, like diabetes say, and that it can be treated, or managed, if never cured. This view has a lot to recommend it, and can be useful in working with and understanding addictions. I won't presume to know whether it is the definitive approach or not. So, if you're an alcoholic, you'd probably be best off if you just didn't drink at all. Avoiding alcohol provides the groundwork for avoiding the stimulus that will trigger all kinds of dangerous, and potentially fatal effects.

We also know though, that "just" avoiding alcohol, while it might very well improve a miserable situation, often isn't enough to stimulate other, perhaps equally important changes in a person's life situation. The term "dry drunk" is used to describe an alcoholic who isn't drinking, but who still behaves as badly as when he was, or thinks just as inaccurately, or who conducts his relationships just as poorly as before, and who has never done any of the important psychological work necessary to address the background issues behind her addiction. While there is clearly an improvement is some sense, much of what still goes on, especially in relationships, hasn't improved much at all.

If staying alive is the only goal, then avoiding alcohol, in this case, might be enough. But if a healthy life is a goal as well, then clearly this step alone will not suffice.



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A Little On Forgiveness

How difficult is it, really, to forgive? My experience would suggest that it's considerably more difficult than we like to think. "Oh, I've forgiven her for that." What this often means is that I'm not thinking about it anymore, or I've succeeded in pushing it out of consciousness, so this must be forgiveness, right? Well, no.

Ram Dass's guru, Neem Karoli Baba, is quoted in one of his (RD's) books as saying: "Forgiveness is a saint's most powerful weapon. With forgiveness he can let go of anger instantly." I think it's this desire, or a cultural or family or personal bias against anger that leads us to think that we've forgiven. What is more often the case is that: I don't want to feel angry, or, I'm not supposed to feel angry, or, I'm afraid of anger, so I'll pretend that I'm not angry and call this forgiveness.

Neem Karoli Baba's words let us know that there is a hand-in-glove relationship between anger and forgiveness. My experience confirms this. Where there is anger, even if it's out of awareness, even if we have convinced ourselves that it isn't there, even if we've skilfully removed it from our sight, there can be no forgiveness. Where there is anger, there is fear, and there is self protection.

Truly forgiving though involves becoming, again, more vulnerable; it involves a decision to put oneself at risk, again, a decision to re-open one's heart again, knowing full well that it will, inevitably, unavoidably, somewhere, at some time, be, again, injured. Forgiveness requires the capacity and the willingness to sustain this injury and this re-opening again and again, without losing oneself in the process. Perhaps it's not as easy as we like to believe.

The practice of forgiveness, however, as awkward and as imperfect as it might be, is really essential to wellbeing and to health in every dimension.

Taking Small Steps

Sometimes the smallest of steps in a particular direction can begin, or further, movement toward a desirable outcome. Example: a client has for decades been struggling with feelings of shame, embarrassment, anger, fear, and self doubt, based on early traumatic experiences with his parents. His primary coping strategy through all of this time has been humor, or attempted minimization of the impact of these experiences. He says that he's "aware" of his real feelings, but hasn't been able to, or doesn't know how, to do his life differently. He continues, for the most part, to be sufficiently paralyzed by his feelings that his life - including his primary relationship - remains largely suffocating and unhappy, despite his "insights".

What do you think is a primary therapeutic theme here? What is this man not doing that needs to be done? What might you be doing similarly in your own life?

In spite of having some awareness of his real feelings, he continues to use very old "survival" strategies decades after the events in question. These strategies have in fact done their job - they enabled him to survive virtually impossible circumstances. Their job was done, though, decades ago, and their continued use serves to keep him trapped in a loop of feelings and behaviors that were no longer useful, or needed, 30 years ago. If he continues to use these same strategies, he'll continue to get the same results. Something has to change.

I ask him to find a way, or more than one way, to somehow give three dimensional form to his real feelings. I ask him to find ways to begin to honor and to respect not only his real feelings, but the real experiences he lived through. In effect, I ask him to begin to work with what is really going on for him, rather than to continue to "deflect" (his word) from this with his humor and minimization. Not until he can respect and accept his actual experience can he respect and accept himself. "How do I do this?" he asks.

Sometimes the smallest of steps in a particular direction can begin, or further, movement toward a desirable outcome. Begin right where you are. Pay attention to what you're actually feeling, be it shame, anger, grief, confusion, or anything else, and do something to acknowledge and honor that feeling. Draw it. Sing it. Write it. Speak it. Praise it. Thank it. Don't, of course, act it out in destructive ways. Whatever will allow you to begin to accept it rather than run from it. There's no one way. Each of us is capable of inventing ways that will work for us. And, importantly, have the right support for your taking these steps, even if they seem small.

Gratitude And Mental Health

Thanksgiving is my personal favorite holiday. This has nothing to do with what one friend of color called "the Pilgrim's Pillage" here in north America. It has everything to do with gratitude, feeling and giving thanks, appreciating the smallest as well as the largest of blessings in our lives, and coming together with those we care about to mark this occasion.

In the 12-Step model of recovery and wellbeing, the "attitude of gratitude" is promoted and lauded as a necessity for real health. There's other evidence from spirituality and mental health that this is true. Even in difficult circumstances, if you can remember and put some focus on whatever it might be that you have to be grateful for in your life, and certainly if you can actively cultivate a remembrance of and a practice of acknowledging the people, circumstances and things that you have to be grateful for, this goes a long way toward building and sustaining happiness and health.

Sometimes it's important to see the wisdom of being grateful even for difficulties. The Dalai Lama is well known for having said that his enemies are his greatest teachers, and the people in his life that he is most grateful for. Why would this be so? Because, he says, they provide him with the best opportunities to cultivate and practice patience, non-violence, compassion, and loving kindness. And it is these qualities that, from the Buddhhist view, lead most directly to happiness.

We can say that these qualities are clearly also important for mental health. And all of them are linked to gratitude. In this time of thanksgiving, let's try to remember the gifts in our lives, and make it a day to day practice to humbly give thanks for the true blessings that are ours.

Vulnerability And Change

Why is it difficult to make desirable changes in the ways we think, feel and behave? Of course there are going to be a number of reasons, but I want to focus for a minute on an area that seems to present particular challenges. That is, the capacity to allow the more vulnerable aspects of ourselves to come into focus. I don't know enough about the world's cultures to pronounce authoritatively about whether or not this is an issue around the globe (I believe it is clearly becoming more of an issue as much of the world becomes more Americanized), but I am willing to say that in American culture, vulnerability is discouraged in multiple ways.

Just one example: I recently attended a daylong conference on the needs of boys in our society. The keynote speaker, Luis Rodriquez, presented a moving account of some of his own history of gang involvement, drug addiction, violence, and despair. One of the stories he told was about how, when he was in prison, he was confronted by another man who was making it clear to Luis who was in charge. Threats were delivered. According to Luis, the only possible response to these threats was the stereotypical comeback of: well, if you're going to hurt me, you'd better be sure that I'm good and dead, because if I'm not, I'm going to come after you and kill you.

This is an extreme example of course, but it illustrates the truth for many people, even if the degree of intensity isn't the same, how vulnerability is undesirable. The risks, whether they be of physical violence, or emotional violence, are most often too high. We tend to choose power and control over vulnerability.

But what are the costs of always - or nearly always - choosing power and control? They are equally high, or even higher, if we include many spiritual teachings from different respected sources. From a psychological point of view, we lose our more genuine selves. We become hardened and defended. We lose the ability to experience intimacy and love. We damage our relationships, and become isolated, alienated and more and more alone. Of course, for some, this becomes some form of ultimate defense: the "I don't need anybody", "lone wolf", "self reliant" defense. This sort of thing has been idealized in American culture, with no reference to the price we pay for it.

So, for both men and women, vulnerability becomes an extremely important skill. For one thing, it's at least sometimes the actual case. If only we would admit it, we often do feel vulnerable, not so strong and in-charge, even tender. Directly related to the question of vulnerability is the question of safety, and how to create and develop that, both externally and internally, so that vulnerability is a real and authentic option in the right circumstances.