The Importance Of Listening

One of the striking hallmarks of the new Obama administration, at least to me, is the repeated references one hears to "listening". Mr. Obama instructs his State Department emmissaries to listen to what the leaders abroad have to say. Yesterday, in his meeting with bank CEO's, he is reported by one of them to have done a lot more listening than talking. In his response to the students to whom I referred in my last post, and their video "Is Anyone Listening?", he assures them that he is.

Although skillful listening is a basic of good counseling, and learning how to listen actively is a basic of good communication for everyone, every now and then I am reminded in a session of just how powerful and inescapable this ability is, and how essential it is in helping people to connect, to heal, and to make desirable changes. What careful listening says is that: I care about you; I want to understand you; I respect you, and what you have to tell me; I want to engage with you so that you can feel acknowledged, appreciated, and, of course, heard.

This speaks to a fundamental need that, I think, all people share: the need to be received; to feel that they are in some way welcomed and valued. There are those, of course, who will say, and who may even believe, that "I don't need anyone." "I don't care whether you approve of me or not." "What you think of me doesn't matter." In fact, these sentimeents are considered sexy, especially for men, but also more and more for women. Just spend 15 minutes looking at the images in any movie theater, in any magazine, on TV. I went to a movie just the other day, and was struck, again, by the movie posters in the lobby, advertising current and coming films. Almost every one of them, maybe 4 or 5, featured images of men with scowling, hard, penetrating, threatening faces. Real men. Men who don't give a damn what you think. Men who clearly don't need any one. The "sexiest" images of women, especially in "fashionable" media, are all of pouty, aggressive, sometimes cadaverous looking models. They don't need you. You need, and want, them, and they know it and thereby have all the power.

But really, we all want, and need, to be genuinely welcomed. Listening carefully is one of the most potent ways to give this welcome. Amazing things are possible from this basis.



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Follow Up On Grief

I happened to catch a piece on 20/20 last night about the realities of my last post. The piece was called "Living On The Edge", and it was about the crisis of ordinary people who have, or who are at serious risk of, losing their jobs and homes. These are people perhaps very much like you and me, that is, they are educated, solidly middle class families with children, who a short time ago were nicely employed as accountants, managers, even surgeons, and who are now either living in homeless shelters, or very close to losing their homes and to exhausting whatever savings they may have had.

Some of the children of these families made a video with the help, and at the request of their high school teacher. They called it "Is Anyone Listening?", and posted it on Youtube. It was a video of them sharing their feelings about what was happening to them and to their families, and it caught the attention of President Obama, who referred to it in one of his speeches, and who subsequently visited these teenagers at their school, to let them know that, indeed, someone was listening, and was trying to do something about fixing the disaster that was affecting so many people today.

The feelings expressed by these kids in their video certainly included the grief that I referred to in the previous post. They spoke openly, cried on camera, and or many, the experience of being able to share what was going on for them - which they had never done before - allowed the arousal of a new hope, and a sense that they were not alone, and that they no longer had to hide what was happening to them and to their families.

Please take this as an object lesson. Getting support for your feelings, even when you are not in as desperate a situation as these families are, is of the utmost importance in these extraordinary times, as it always is.



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Heightened Grief In Extremely Stressful Times

These are difficult times. There have been other times of difficulty, of course. Right now, given the enormous collapse - it's hard to over state the situation - of the world's economies, there is new suffering of a magnitude which is unprecedented certainly in my lifetime. Not tens, or scores, or hundreds, or even thousands, but many hundreds of thousands, or even millions of ordinary Americans have lost, or will lose their jobs and/or their homes. I don't know where they are exactly. Are they living with more fortunate relatives? Are they in homeless shelters? Are they on the streets? Remember, we're talking about entire families, including the sick and the very young.

These are the kinds of situations that we, in this country, are more accustomed to hearing about existing in other places in the world, places usually far distant from us, either geographically or at least psychologically. People old enough to have lived through the Great Depression of the thirties will of course feel not-so-distant from current events. For the rest of us though, how are we effected now by what's going on all around us, even if we ourselves have not yet been directly affected in the most challenging ways?

One of the effects, for those who are sensitive enough, or self-aware enough to recognize it, is an experience of heightened grief. For others, even if they are not aware of it, there is, without doubt, a "subterranean" (ie., unconscious) exposure to more fear, more loss, and more grief.

Not being aware of this however usually means that these emotional experiences play themselves out in ways that might be unrecognizable as what they really are. For example, people will somaticize their fear or grief, so that they develop physical symptoms in place of clear emotional experiences. Or, some people will express a lot more anger, when what's actually happening on a deeper level is fear or grief, which goes unidentified and unacknowledged, as well as unresolved.

I'd like to encourage everyone to recognize the unusually intensified emotional and psychological stresses that we are all subject to in these times, and to be certain to find or create the best possible networks of support that they can.



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Money And Partnership

Money represents all kinds of things for different people: power, security, freedom, happiness, love, equality or the lack of it, self worth, control, success. It should be no surprise then that money issues are one of the most contentious subjects for couples trying to find their way together.

"I want our expenses to be shared equally, and I don't feel that this is the case now".

"I want the freedom to spend some money on personal things without having to report every penny to my wife/husband/partner".

"I make more money than he/she does, so I should be able to do what I want with it."

"I think we should have separate checking accounts and manage our personal money separately."

"I think we should have joint accounts and pool our money."

"I'm the breadwinner, so I get to control how the money is spent."


These are just some of the kinds of issues that are common when starting to explore how money fits into a relationship. Ideally, couples can come to see and understand what money means to them, and so begin to see how their own relationship with money is played out with their partner. Then, while working to get support for the emotional meanings and vulnerabilities that money has for each of them, they can also begin to define real needs and areas where each can support the other in a truly collaborative, healthy, and rewarding partnership, whatever form that may end up taking.



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On-The-Job, On-The-Spot Meditation

You're used to being in charge. You've led an enormous organization and done a heck of a job at it too. You've seen what needed to get done, how it could be accomplished, and made sure your team was equipped with the knowledge and the tools to do it. People praised you; appreciated your abilities; showered you with great respect and admiration.

Now you find yourself in a position of "advisor" to a group leader. You have no real power to take charge, but can only make suggestions, or share your observations. On top of that, your boss now is someone you do not admire, and who's abilities you find serioulsy lacking. You know you could do the job much better, and you find yourself experiencing extreme frustration and even a kind of psychic/emotional pain because the organization is in deep trouble and you care about it deeply.

Oh, and by the way, you're a Buddhist whose "real" agenda, whose most profound motivation is the cultivation of an enlightened mind and heart. You haven't been able to practcice formal sitting meditation for over a year now, because of a certain intense anxiety that grips you whenever you even think about sitting. All of this is confusing and, of course, distressing.

Can the real life arena you're in provide you with meaningful opportunites to practice on-the-job meditation? Of course it can. In the midst of your every day activities, off the cushion, you are being given the contexts in which to cultivate the mindfulness and enlightened heart you so appreciate and desire. The only challenge? Why, your ego, of course.

How do you let go of the ego that has served you so well-at least professionally-in the past? How do you cultivate the ability to surrender to a higher truth, when you clearly see the truth of what you could be doing if you were only in the right position? How do you practice "turning it over" when you begin to recognize the compulsive/addictive/self destructive quality of your drive?

This situation, and others like it, have a kind of fire-like potential for transformational practice.

Not for the faint of heart though, there are many paths to enlightened mind.



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Being "Different" In A Cookie Cutter World

Without making too much of it, I think it's fair to say that, for the most part, people find it difficult to be different from the "the norm". There's always a great deal of pressure, from without and also from within, to fit in, to be one of the guys (or gals), to conform. If it turns out that you are unlike the "norm" in any significant way, this can create a considerable degree of tension, distress, uncertainty, self loathing and self doubt. When this happens, it is of crucial importance that you find people who can support and celebrate your differences, or simply somehow give you permission to be who you are.

Learning to accept oneself is a difficult enough challenge under the best of conditions. Throw in being a bit "odd", or unusual, or just a little "out of the box", and this developmental task can take on seemingly impossible proportions. I'd like to encourage all of you "differents" out there to take hope. Instead of waiting for the world to catch up to you, and berating yourself in the meanwhile, try on the idea that the rest of the world will not be likely to catch up, and that you can move forward blazing new paths without that happening.

I'm not recommending being isolated in your difference - although some of this may be inevitable because of rejection and misunderstanding. I urge you instead to cultivate the appreciation and support of those who can see you for who you are. Having the right kind of reflection of yourself from these people will help you to soar, or simply to feel at home in your own skin.



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