Surprises Happen

I continue to be surprised by clients who, at times, seem to be able to find solutions to very distressing problems that simply wouldn't, or didn't occur to me. Not that I should be finding these solutions. After all, it is in the client's best interests, and it is the most liberating and the most empowering when they find their own solutions. Following the principle that each of us somehow knows, ultimately, what we need in a given situation, it shouldn't be too surprising when this sort of insight occurs, yet it is.

I can allow myself to experience my own biases as they arise in any situation, and I can allow myself to observe my inclination, my desire, to inform a client of what I think they ought to be doing, and it is part of the art and skill of good counseling not to do so at the wrong time. This is not to say that there are never situations in which it is appropriate to "direct" a client. There clearly are, either because the client is simply unable to "protect" her or himself, or because this is the most likely strategy to yield good results with a particular client. These "directions" are often delivered in the form of "suggestions", but sometimes they are more blatantly "instructions".

But when a client arrives at what seems and feels and looks like the right solution for themselves, this is a lovely and important moment in therapy and in life. And when it is outside of my own thinking on the subject, it is a sort of secret delight, and a pleasant surprise as well.

For me, it is one of those things that serves to bolster my faith in humanity, and in the potential of good therapy. Let the surprises begin!



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Choice Points

There are times in therapy, and they are very challenging times, when we arrive at what is sometimes called a "choice point". This occurs when, as a result of therapy progress, or life events, or a combination of factors, a client arrives at a juncture in their life; a crossroads. The question becomes then: "which direction do I take?" The options can be starkly differentiated. Often, one road represents the "old ways", a continuation of the direction from which one has come. The other road represents the "new me", a progression of the healing work that has been taking place in therapy. While it might seem an easy, or perhaps a simple choice to make, it is actually, typically, frought with inner conflict and turmoil, clashing loyalties, fear of the unknown vs. the comfort of the familiar, and direct challenges to one's courage and commitment to self.

Taking the road that continues the past can mean a dangerous journey away from healing, away from one's truth, away from one's Self. It can amount to a denial and a rejection of what one has come to experience as one's healthy core. Contemplating the "new" road comes with numerous difficulties of its own. It might mean turning away from what others in one's life want, or think is best. It might mean taking a leap of faith into unchartered psychological, emotional and spiritual territory, without even the comfort of what one has known all of one's life. It will certainly mean testing one's willingness and ability to trust: to trust oneself, as well as to trust the "bigger picture", or "higher power", or God, or The Universe, or simply what one has begun to tap into in one's own journey of health.

In a universe where there are few, if any, absolutes, we can perhaps take some consolation in the thought that nothing is absolutely right or wrong, and that whatever choices we make, while they will certainly have their effects and their consequences, might not be absolutely un-repairable. We can afford, perhaps, to make even serious mistakes, if we are willing to learn from them. While some people seem to need to be "hit over the head" by reality in order to learn from their mistakes, it is also possible to follow, or to learn to follow, more subtle cues. This, of course, requires practice and experience, and choice points are examples of opportunities which can provide this experience, and which can be built upon as we journey through life.



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Being Present

There are virtually inummerable ways to "check out". We all do it. In its more extreme forms, this checking out takes the form of dissociative states or disorders, such as multiple personalities, or losing track of place and time. In its more common forms we can think in terms of ordinary activities like spacing out on TV, over eating, risk taking behaviors, any of the possible addictions or compulsions from drugs and alcohol to running or exercise. In other words, anything can be used as an escape.

And what is it that we need, or want to escape from? Could be anything from the routine and tedium of everyday life to extreme trauma. There is good reason to conclude that the need or desire to leave ordinary reality in some form is hard wired in our brains. It would be impossible, I suspect, to find a culture, current or historical, that did not incorporate an understanding of this need, and provide methods for its satisfaction. So, given the fundamental human experience of "escape", or altering consciousness, what can be said about the importance of "being present"?

While "taking a break" from the stresses of life can be both healthy and productive, making a (bad) habit of it ultimately creates more stresses and multi-layered problems. Cultivating the capacity to be present with one's experience, to "show up", to "be real", to be "in the body", is necessary in order to be able to work effectively with our lives and relationships, and to experience true health and happiness. The term "real time" takes on a significant meaning when it comes to mental health. Of course, cultivating this capacity involves cultivating the ability to be present with, to experience, and to manage or modulate difficult, intense, or distressing feelings.



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