Relationship Intimacy: Making A Real Connection

Here's an example of the sensitivity, the awareness and the insight required to make a real and intimate connection with another: a married couple is working with me because they are aware of certain differences and stresses and conflicts in their new union that are presenting problems for them. We talk a lot about more effective communication of course, and about strategies for increasing the feeling and the experience for both of them of being connected, rather than so much struggling with conflict and anger and frustration.

One of the issues between them has to do with the kind of order created in their house. For her, certain kinds of order and cleanliness are extremely important. This gives her a sense of safe-haven. For him, these concerns rank about 5 on a 1-10 scale, so the priorities are very different for each of them. In the course of exploring the importance of being able to learn how to value and accept each others different realities - not agree with, but accept the real differences - as a basis for negotiating a compromise, it became clear that this idea was very distressing for her. Somehow, it was not ok to accept his experience. No. What he valued and wanted was unacceptable. It had to be her way.

We continued to explore the meaning of this vehemence, in what, on the surface, would seem to be a rather banal, and therefor manageable difference. But it wasn't.
Turns out that compromising in this area in particular would mean, for her, losing the symbols around her of how far she had come from the very painful, chaotic, frightening and humiliating experience of childhood poverty - an experience that she wants never to come close to again.

The feelings involved in what appear to be a simple and very mundane set of circumstances reveal a much deeper and more powerful set of experiences and motivations for one's behavior, and in this case, for one's insistence. Learning how to tune into this level of experience and feeling, how to be sensitive to "what's really going on" behind the obvious, becomes a crucial set of relationship skills, both within oneself, and between partners.

The outcome of this insight in session was that she could much more clearly and surprisingly understand where she was coming from, could enter into the feelings of vulnerability that were being aroused, and he could, now also understanding the real meaning behind her inflexibility, and witnessing her vulnerability, offer equally real nurturance and support. A true connection had been made, where previously there was only conflict and bad feelings.














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