Saturday, February 5, 2011

Grief, Vulnerability And Love In Marriage

She had just learned that an old friend, with whom she had had no contact for many years, had died 16 months ago. She was in shock. Why had no one told her, or her family, with whom this woman had also been close, that she had died? She was dis-oriented, vulnerable, confused, and, of course, sad. How could this great opening be a catalyst for the expression of love and support in a very troubled marriage? Or could it be?

If you've ever been present at a birth, or a death, you will know that these experiences and these times are portals into the realm of the sacred. What did I mean by that, he wanted to know? What did I mean by "sacred" in this context? An opening so raw and so deep that it brings you to the depths of your very being. A whisper's breath from God. Yes, he said. That was something that made sense to him. That was something he could feel in this experience of his wife's having been torn open.

How then could this shared experience be honored as an opportunity to provide some element of healing in this troubled marriage? How could it be embraced as a moment, and as a process in which to express the truth of the sacred in the form of the love these two people acknowledge that they have for one another? It would require the exercise of extra care and tenderness between two highly defended people who have a long history of violating one another's trust and boundaries, and of emotionally injuring one another.

I will try to be present for you, to be patient with you, and to not lash out in anger, he said. And I will try to ask for what I need, she offered. The empathic connection was there in session. Could they sustain it outside? Could the power of the sacred, and the power of love supercede the habits of defense and of anger that have dominated the relationship between these two sensitive people, even for a while? That is my prayer.

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