Surprises Happen

I continue to be surprised by clients who, at times, seem to be able to find solutions to very distressing problems that simply wouldn't, or didn't occur to me. Not that I should be finding these solutions. After all, it is in the client's best interests, and it is the most liberating and the most empowering when they find their own solutions. Following the principle that each of us somehow knows, ultimately, what we need in a given situation, it shouldn't be too surprising when this sort of insight occurs, yet it is.

I can allow myself to experience my own biases as they arise in any situation, and I can allow myself to observe my inclination, my desire, to inform a client of what I think they ought to be doing, and it is part of the art and skill of good counseling not to do so at the wrong time. This is not to say that there are never situations in which it is appropriate to "direct" a client. There clearly are, either because the client is simply unable to "protect" her or himself, or because this is the most likely strategy to yield good results with a particular client. These "directions" are often delivered in the form of "suggestions", but sometimes they are more blatantly "instructions".

But when a client arrives at what seems and feels and looks like the right solution for themselves, this is a lovely and important moment in therapy and in life. And when it is outside of my own thinking on the subject, it is a sort of secret delight, and a pleasant surprise as well.

For me, it is one of those things that serves to bolster my faith in humanity, and in the potential of good therapy. Let the surprises begin!



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Choice Points

There are times in therapy, and they are very challenging times, when we arrive at what is sometimes called a "choice point". This occurs when, as a result of therapy progress, or life events, or a combination of factors, a client arrives at a juncture in their life; a crossroads. The question becomes then: "which direction do I take?" The options can be starkly differentiated. Often, one road represents the "old ways", a continuation of the direction from which one has come. The other road represents the "new me", a progression of the healing work that has been taking place in therapy. While it might seem an easy, or perhaps a simple choice to make, it is actually, typically, frought with inner conflict and turmoil, clashing loyalties, fear of the unknown vs. the comfort of the familiar, and direct challenges to one's courage and commitment to self.

Taking the road that continues the past can mean a dangerous journey away from healing, away from one's truth, away from one's Self. It can amount to a denial and a rejection of what one has come to experience as one's healthy core. Contemplating the "new" road comes with numerous difficulties of its own. It might mean turning away from what others in one's life want, or think is best. It might mean taking a leap of faith into unchartered psychological, emotional and spiritual territory, without even the comfort of what one has known all of one's life. It will certainly mean testing one's willingness and ability to trust: to trust oneself, as well as to trust the "bigger picture", or "higher power", or God, or The Universe, or simply what one has begun to tap into in one's own journey of health.

In a universe where there are few, if any, absolutes, we can perhaps take some consolation in the thought that nothing is absolutely right or wrong, and that whatever choices we make, while they will certainly have their effects and their consequences, might not be absolutely un-repairable. We can afford, perhaps, to make even serious mistakes, if we are willing to learn from them. While some people seem to need to be "hit over the head" by reality in order to learn from their mistakes, it is also possible to follow, or to learn to follow, more subtle cues. This, of course, requires practice and experience, and choice points are examples of opportunities which can provide this experience, and which can be built upon as we journey through life.



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Being Present

There are virtually inummerable ways to "check out". We all do it. In its more extreme forms, this checking out takes the form of dissociative states or disorders, such as multiple personalities, or losing track of place and time. In its more common forms we can think in terms of ordinary activities like spacing out on TV, over eating, risk taking behaviors, any of the possible addictions or compulsions from drugs and alcohol to running or exercise. In other words, anything can be used as an escape.

And what is it that we need, or want to escape from? Could be anything from the routine and tedium of everyday life to extreme trauma. There is good reason to conclude that the need or desire to leave ordinary reality in some form is hard wired in our brains. It would be impossible, I suspect, to find a culture, current or historical, that did not incorporate an understanding of this need, and provide methods for its satisfaction. So, given the fundamental human experience of "escape", or altering consciousness, what can be said about the importance of "being present"?

While "taking a break" from the stresses of life can be both healthy and productive, making a (bad) habit of it ultimately creates more stresses and multi-layered problems. Cultivating the capacity to be present with one's experience, to "show up", to "be real", to be "in the body", is necessary in order to be able to work effectively with our lives and relationships, and to experience true health and happiness. The term "real time" takes on a significant meaning when it comes to mental health. Of course, cultivating this capacity involves cultivating the ability to be present with, to experience, and to manage or modulate difficult, intense, or distressing feelings.



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The Importance Of Listening

One of the striking hallmarks of the new Obama administration, at least to me, is the repeated references one hears to "listening". Mr. Obama instructs his State Department emmissaries to listen to what the leaders abroad have to say. Yesterday, in his meeting with bank CEO's, he is reported by one of them to have done a lot more listening than talking. In his response to the students to whom I referred in my last post, and their video "Is Anyone Listening?", he assures them that he is.

Although skillful listening is a basic of good counseling, and learning how to listen actively is a basic of good communication for everyone, every now and then I am reminded in a session of just how powerful and inescapable this ability is, and how essential it is in helping people to connect, to heal, and to make desirable changes. What careful listening says is that: I care about you; I want to understand you; I respect you, and what you have to tell me; I want to engage with you so that you can feel acknowledged, appreciated, and, of course, heard.

This speaks to a fundamental need that, I think, all people share: the need to be received; to feel that they are in some way welcomed and valued. There are those, of course, who will say, and who may even believe, that "I don't need anyone." "I don't care whether you approve of me or not." "What you think of me doesn't matter." In fact, these sentimeents are considered sexy, especially for men, but also more and more for women. Just spend 15 minutes looking at the images in any movie theater, in any magazine, on TV. I went to a movie just the other day, and was struck, again, by the movie posters in the lobby, advertising current and coming films. Almost every one of them, maybe 4 or 5, featured images of men with scowling, hard, penetrating, threatening faces. Real men. Men who don't give a damn what you think. Men who clearly don't need any one. The "sexiest" images of women, especially in "fashionable" media, are all of pouty, aggressive, sometimes cadaverous looking models. They don't need you. You need, and want, them, and they know it and thereby have all the power.

But really, we all want, and need, to be genuinely welcomed. Listening carefully is one of the most potent ways to give this welcome. Amazing things are possible from this basis.



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Follow Up On Grief

I happened to catch a piece on 20/20 last night about the realities of my last post. The piece was called "Living On The Edge", and it was about the crisis of ordinary people who have, or who are at serious risk of, losing their jobs and homes. These are people perhaps very much like you and me, that is, they are educated, solidly middle class families with children, who a short time ago were nicely employed as accountants, managers, even surgeons, and who are now either living in homeless shelters, or very close to losing their homes and to exhausting whatever savings they may have had.

Some of the children of these families made a video with the help, and at the request of their high school teacher. They called it "Is Anyone Listening?", and posted it on Youtube. It was a video of them sharing their feelings about what was happening to them and to their families, and it caught the attention of President Obama, who referred to it in one of his speeches, and who subsequently visited these teenagers at their school, to let them know that, indeed, someone was listening, and was trying to do something about fixing the disaster that was affecting so many people today.

The feelings expressed by these kids in their video certainly included the grief that I referred to in the previous post. They spoke openly, cried on camera, and or many, the experience of being able to share what was going on for them - which they had never done before - allowed the arousal of a new hope, and a sense that they were not alone, and that they no longer had to hide what was happening to them and to their families.

Please take this as an object lesson. Getting support for your feelings, even when you are not in as desperate a situation as these families are, is of the utmost importance in these extraordinary times, as it always is.



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Heightened Grief In Extremely Stressful Times

These are difficult times. There have been other times of difficulty, of course. Right now, given the enormous collapse - it's hard to over state the situation - of the world's economies, there is new suffering of a magnitude which is unprecedented certainly in my lifetime. Not tens, or scores, or hundreds, or even thousands, but many hundreds of thousands, or even millions of ordinary Americans have lost, or will lose their jobs and/or their homes. I don't know where they are exactly. Are they living with more fortunate relatives? Are they in homeless shelters? Are they on the streets? Remember, we're talking about entire families, including the sick and the very young.

These are the kinds of situations that we, in this country, are more accustomed to hearing about existing in other places in the world, places usually far distant from us, either geographically or at least psychologically. People old enough to have lived through the Great Depression of the thirties will of course feel not-so-distant from current events. For the rest of us though, how are we effected now by what's going on all around us, even if we ourselves have not yet been directly affected in the most challenging ways?

One of the effects, for those who are sensitive enough, or self-aware enough to recognize it, is an experience of heightened grief. For others, even if they are not aware of it, there is, without doubt, a "subterranean" (ie., unconscious) exposure to more fear, more loss, and more grief.

Not being aware of this however usually means that these emotional experiences play themselves out in ways that might be unrecognizable as what they really are. For example, people will somaticize their fear or grief, so that they develop physical symptoms in place of clear emotional experiences. Or, some people will express a lot more anger, when what's actually happening on a deeper level is fear or grief, which goes unidentified and unacknowledged, as well as unresolved.

I'd like to encourage everyone to recognize the unusually intensified emotional and psychological stresses that we are all subject to in these times, and to be certain to find or create the best possible networks of support that they can.



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Money And Partnership

Money represents all kinds of things for different people: power, security, freedom, happiness, love, equality or the lack of it, self worth, control, success. It should be no surprise then that money issues are one of the most contentious subjects for couples trying to find their way together.

"I want our expenses to be shared equally, and I don't feel that this is the case now".

"I want the freedom to spend some money on personal things without having to report every penny to my wife/husband/partner".

"I make more money than he/she does, so I should be able to do what I want with it."

"I think we should have separate checking accounts and manage our personal money separately."

"I think we should have joint accounts and pool our money."

"I'm the breadwinner, so I get to control how the money is spent."


These are just some of the kinds of issues that are common when starting to explore how money fits into a relationship. Ideally, couples can come to see and understand what money means to them, and so begin to see how their own relationship with money is played out with their partner. Then, while working to get support for the emotional meanings and vulnerabilities that money has for each of them, they can also begin to define real needs and areas where each can support the other in a truly collaborative, healthy, and rewarding partnership, whatever form that may end up taking.



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