Psychotherapy Blogbriefs is about my experiences, learnings, discoveries, thoughts and suggestions as a therapist in Santa Fe over the past 18 years, and as a human during the course of my life.
If you are a very sensitive person, and experience yourself as fragile at times, ie., easily affected by circumstances and by people, anxious, off balance, take heart. When first you can accept that you are indeed sensitive, it then becomes possible to employ allies in your efforts to regain a more balanced and easeful stance. At this moment I'm thinking of the use of flower essences or remedies as potentially very strong allies. Of course there are pharmaceuticals, and at times these are necessary and can be welcomed also as allies. I'm also thinking about meditation practice, yoga, regular exercise, and nurturing self care that is a regular part of your daily life.
Part of what can make implementing any of these aids more difficult is the resistance to accepting oneself as a "sensitive" or (perhaps more difficult) as a "fragile" person. These can be experienced as discouraging or demeaning terms. That's unfortunate, because that makes it more unlikely that you will take the next steps to help ameliorate these circumstances.
Think in terms of the idea of suspending judgment about yourself. If you can experiment with doing this, even a little, you will then be able to take a step forward toward self care. Don't expect an all-at-once solution. This is all on the order of step-by-step, over time. This of course implies the necessity of some discipline, some perseverance. Again we run into the effects of the industry of quick-fix propaganda, and the resistance to commitment.
But try, at least. Experiment. Have support for your efforts. Love yourself.
Self inquiry. Self awareness. Self knowledge. Let's not confuse these endeavors with simple self indulgence, or with narcissism. The former are inescapable if we hope to have any depth of happiness or inner freedom. The latter are forms of escape from the Self, and so lead to, or compound ones' confusion and despair and entrapment by the insatiable demands of one's personality or ego. Liberation from these demands, to any degree, furthers one's well being and one's experience of contentment and peace.
What do you think freedom consists of? Is it the freedom to choose from 117 different kinds of bread in the supermarket? Is it the freedom to amass wealth beyond anything you or your descendants will ever be able to spend, at the inevitable expense of numberless other people, and the environment? Or is it the freedom to "express" yourself completely, even when to do so would be harmful either to yourself or to others?
In (north) America, we like to take certain kinds of freedom for granted, like the freedom to not be a slave. Or the freedom to vote for "the candidate of your choice" in what now amount to bought and paid for elections/illusions. Or the freedom to experience financial ruin because of a health related crisis. Or the freedom to choose the person we will marry (unless we happen to be gay, of course).
Naturally, these sorts of freedoms, what we might call political or social freedoms, are important and valuable, and yet we see all too clearly - don't you? - that they do not, in themselves, in any way at all guarantee, or create the grounds for, happiness.
So there must be something else involved. (Back to paragraph one). Without self knowledge, only the illusion of happiness is possible. Yes, it may be a luxurious illusion, with all the trappings of "success", of (physical)comfort, of pleasure.
And yet, again, we see repeatedly - this may be the greatest gift of the information age; the ability to see over and over again how material affluence alone fails to deliver the promise it makes - how these things don't deliver what we believe they will.
Philosophy: literally, the love of wisdom. Wouldn't this seem to be a natural component of "mental health"; of a happy life; of relationship well being? I sometimes think of the practice of psychotherapy as "applied philosophy"; that is, translating the insights and questions of philosophy into the practical domain of a lived psychology of health and happiness.
I'm depressed, one person says. I feel anxious, says another. My relationships don't work out the way I want them to, says a third. I can't stop drinking. I can't get over the death of my spouse. I'm afraid all the time. I lack direction. I'm consumed by anger.
To the extent that any of these conditions are not simply chemical imbalances that can be successfully and happily treated with allopathic, herbal, homeopathic or other medications, or with changes in diet, or with other bio-chemical or neuro-biological interventions, we are left with the necessity to engage in some form of self inquiry in order to seek out and discover where we are lacking in wisdom. Where we are living our lives in ways that promote psychological (and emotional and spiritual) imbalance and distress instead of balance and well being.
So let's think of psychotherapy - applied philosophy - as dealing essentially with self inquiry, and inquiry into the nature and experience of wisdom, along with the methods for translating the discoveries of these inquiries into pragmatic action and behavior in the service of providing the lived experience of happiness. Some actions are likely to produce unhappiness, and others are likely to produce the opposite. And more than that, we encounter the subtleties of "not black and white", or the art of happiness, alive, dynamic, shifting, vital and vibrant and complex.
Wisdom is more than mere knowledge. It is not enough to have information at our disposal (even, I'm afraid, in this, the great Information Age); it is necessary to truly understand, to truly see into the nature of Reality, so that we can live our lives in accordance with this Reality, in harmony with It. This is wisdom, and this is the way to happiness and well being.
I was told by a friend this morning that my voice on a phone message I had left him recently sounded so sad! So sad in fact, that he was certain upon hearing it, and before hearing the rest of the message, that someone must surely have died. This morning also, when I called to wish my mother a happy 90th birthday, she told me that I sounded "better" than I had a few days ago when we spoke.
I'm sharing this with you because I see these two feedback offers as indicative of something larger than themselves. It's true that a few days ago I was feeling more
emotionally challenged. That is to say, my mood was not effusive, or up beat, or light. It was instead internal, tired, suggestive of needing a break from some personal health challenges that I've been dealing with for the past two months. On one level it might be correct to say that I was not a "happy camper". This, however, would be a shallow interpretation of my experience.
From the inside, I was simply feeling what I was feeling. It didn't happen to project a fun or jovial energy. This is important because it points to a powerful cultural bias against feelings that are other than ebullient. We worry about, and we don't know how to related with "heavier" feelings, like sadness, or frustration, or even with insights that may carry with them strong feelings of any kind.
One way of understanding this bias is through the lens of the extrovert/introvert dichotomy. Culturally, we prize and reward extroverts and extroverted behaviors. We tend to condemn and fear introverts and introverted behaviors. Introverts tend to be more comfortable with feelings in general, whereas extroverts may spend a lot less time with themselves and with their internal experiences, and are therefore less familiar with and less inclined toward these experiences. Hence the judgment and the fear of the unknown, and the generally less developed skill sets when dealing with internal states, and with feelings.
You introverts, please learn to appreciate your inner lives without fear or judgment, and you extroverts, please learn to appreciate not only your own, but others inner lives, also without fear and judgment.
If Life is a work of art (in progress), I like to think of, and relate with the various stages and episodes within that work as poems writing themselves in the daily realities of our experience. Of course Life is an art. It can be done well, artfully, skillfully, with discipline, with grace, with wisdom and insight and compassion, or it can be done poorly, lacking these qualities. Just as there are skilled and inspired artists of music, literature, painting, sculpture, performance, paper, spirituality, leadership, building, design, etc., there are those who are skilled in the art of Life. Conversely, there are practitioners of all of these who are, well, lacking; and therefore uninspiring. More importantly perhaps, these latter practitioners may be wandering lost in the inner and outer worlds, wondering why. This is usually quite a painful condition, both for the wanderer, and for those sensitive enough or caring enough to be moved by their struggles.
Calling artists and artists in training. Those of you who may have a willingness to explore as well as to wander; to discover as well as to seek; to learn as well as to study; to grow as well as to move.
Safety is a big concern in psychotherapy. People want to feel safe to enter into what they may well have regarded as dangerous psychological and emotional territory, and they want a guide to help them do this. They want this guide to be experienced as a safe person too, naturally. Someone who will understand and appreciate them; who won't judge them for their weaknesses or their prejudices or their "failures"; who will, if the truth be told, love them carefully and well.
All of this is appropriate and wonderful in what is sometimes and generally called a "person centered" approach to therapy. Deeply respectful of the rights and freedom of each individual. Not imposing. Patient. Welcoming.
The other side of this coin is the necessity for courage in doing any meaningful psycho-spiritual work. Courage to enter into unsafe inner terrain. This is where the importance of the therapeutic relationship comes into play. This is where the necessity to develop trust and willingness becomes important. If you're going to step into danger, or at least into perceived danger, you want the person helping you with this to be trustworthy, to guide you skillfully, to not abandon you in the wilderness. These needs are relationship needs, and they are met in the context of the therapeutic relationship.
Paradox: safety, and courage, or skillful and appropriate risk taking. Both are needed for deep psychotherapy to live up to its potential.
This is The Land Of Everything Is Easy And Quick. It may startle you to realize how deeply this craziness takes hold in your psyche. After all, it's everywhere you look. It's impossible to not be affected by the cultural messages. Then, this becomes your expectation. Failing to encounter basic reality that actually conforms to this insane propaganda, the natural conclusion is that something is wrong with you. A certain precursor to unhappiness. And a certain method of keeping you off balance, dis-stressed, blinded, addicted, spiritually and psychologically adrift.
How difficult it is to make a commitment. Any commitment. How difficult it is to dedicate oneself to a path of effort and longevity. Immediate gratification is what you require. The All Holy Quick Fix. To everything. And according to the propaganda, it ought to be that way. This is after all a realistic expectation. The fast buck. The "quicky" sexual encounter. The instant soup. The magical instant transformation complete with the Hollywood style dramatic "experience" that makes everything right all at once and forever.
No wonder then that the bad news, the disillusionment of how deep psychotherapy might work is hard to take. All those insurance driven managed care companies must be right, no? 3, 4, maybe 5 sessions of "brief" therapy is all that's needed, right?
Oh, woe is you. If what you want are some "tools" to help you "fix" your life, maybe you ought to read a simple self-help book and save your time and money. Having that information should enable you to make things work pretty much over night, shouldn't it? Funny how it doesn't tend to work that way, in spite of all the advertising hype.
Anyway, deep psychotherapy is transformative, and it does take time. But who has time? Time is money! Hurry up! Don't waste my time! Part of what I enjoy doing in my work is de-mystifying therapy for people. It's really a lot simpler - not quick and easy - than you think. And as we all know, or need to know if we don't yet, the simple is generally the most difficult to achieve.
