Vulnerability And Change

Why is it difficult to make desirable changes in the ways we think, feel and behave? Of course there are going to be a number of reasons, but I want to focus for a minute on an area that seems to present particular challenges. That is, the capacity to allow the more vulnerable aspects of ourselves to come into focus. I don't know enough about the world's cultures to pronounce authoritatively about whether or not this is an issue around the globe (I believe it is clearly becoming more of an issue as much of the world becomes more Americanized), but I am willing to say that in American culture, vulnerability is discouraged in multiple ways.

Just one example: I recently attended a daylong conference on the needs of boys in our society. The keynote speaker, Luis Rodriquez, presented a moving account of some of his own history of gang involvement, drug addiction, violence, and despair. One of the stories he told was about how, when he was in prison, he was confronted by another man who was making it clear to Luis who was in charge. Threats were delivered. According to Luis, the only possible response to these threats was the stereotypical comeback of: well, if you're going to hurt me, you'd better be sure that I'm good and dead, because if I'm not, I'm going to come after you and kill you.

This is an extreme example of course, but it illustrates the truth for many people, even if the degree of intensity isn't the same, how vulnerability is undesirable. The risks, whether they be of physical violence, or emotional violence, are most often too high. We tend to choose power and control over vulnerability.

But what are the costs of always - or nearly always - choosing power and control? They are equally high, or even higher, if we include many spiritual teachings from different respected sources. From a psychological point of view, we lose our more genuine selves. We become hardened and defended. We lose the ability to experience intimacy and love. We damage our relationships, and become isolated, alienated and more and more alone. Of course, for some, this becomes some form of ultimate defense: the "I don't need anybody", "lone wolf", "self reliant" defense. This sort of thing has been idealized in American culture, with no reference to the price we pay for it.

So, for both men and women, vulnerability becomes an extremely important skill. For one thing, it's at least sometimes the actual case. If only we would admit it, we often do feel vulnerable, not so strong and in-charge, even tender. Directly related to the question of vulnerability is the question of safety, and how to create and develop that, both externally and internally, so that vulnerability is a real and authentic option in the right circumstances.

A Little About Sadness And Grief

It's sad to see how biased we are, as a culture, against sadness and grief. People are often afraid that sadness means depression, and that grief is dangerous and something to be gotten through as quickly as possible. We've all heard people say things like "You've just got to get over it and move on with your life". Of course, these people think they're being helpful, and we can probably assume that their motivations are good. They want the best for us. They want us to feel better. It's also almost a certainty that they are themselves seriously afraid of - and inexperienced with, in any healthy way - the experiences of grief and sadness.

The reality is that both sadness and grief are common, ordinary human experiences, and they occur just about daily for just about everyone. Most of the time we don't experience them though, because we've learned how to very skillfully deny them, and push them out of awareness. We carry on as though they didn't exist. We smile and let everyone know how happy we are. It's too bad really. As with other "unfelt" emotions, over time we develop habits and styles of being that prove to be detrimental, both for us as individuals, and in our relationships.

Learning to trust and to allow these so called "negative" emotions is an important part of psychological and relationship health. Learning how to creatively and appropriately work with these feelings is a key to personal freedom, wellbeing, strength and authenticity. Hopefully you'll take the time to learn more about sadness and grief, how to include them in your emotional repertoire, and how to let them enrich your life.

Relationship Discord Factors

What are some of the factors that contribute to relationship discord? Why don't couples get along, when they don't get along? It would be easy to say something glib, like, well, whenever there are two or more people, there's going to be conflict. And this is indeed true, if we understand "conflict" to mean anything from simple disagreement to hostile combat. But it's important to understand in more detail the specifics of conflict, so that we can imagine what might need to be done to create more harmony in relationships.

So let's list some of the most common contributors to relationship dis-harmony:
1) resentments 2) insecurities 3) unidentified and unmet needs 4) feeling disrespected
5) ineffective communication styles 6) assumptions 7) misinterpretations 8) fears that are unidentified and unspoken 9) sexual differences 10) money differences 11) value differences
12) parenting differences 13) feeling unheard 14) trying to control another 15) unspoken expectations.

These are some of the most common factors that lead, almost inevitably, to relationship problems. How could they not? All of them are important considerations in the dynamics of any relationship, and addressing them skillfully becomes an important aspect of healthy relationship interactions.

Taking Care of Oneself

Selfishness is a real paradox, especially as it applies to therapy. So many people are averse to the idea and the practices of taking care of themselves, because they believe it is selfish. And yet without taking care of yourself you become exhausted, or drained, or burned out, and then there's nothing left with which to give to others anyway, at least not in a healthy way; in a way that does not require becoming a martyr, and literally sacrificing yourself to illness or depression or resentment for example.

This is a very individualistic point of view of course, one which says in effect, be selfish enough to get your own needs met first, so that you will be strong enough and full enough to have surplus left for others. It's like the instructions on airplane flights where we're told to put our own oxygen masks on first in an emergency, and only then help our child or neighbor. At first this might sound selfish. Wouldn't a mother's first reaction be to save her child, for example? Perhaps it would, and the best way for her to realistically be able to do that in an emergency - to sustain that, we might say - would be to make certain that her survival needs are taken care of first. If she dies from lack of oxygen she won't be of any use to her child.

This may sound like an extreme example, and therefore not applicable to so-called everyday life. I would suggest however that it is not. Or, I might say that so-called everyday life often involves more extreme circumstances than we recognize. Most people operate at the extremes ordinarily, without even knowing it. The buzz words for this are things like, either/or; black and white; all or nothing. You can probably recognize some of the ways you do this in your life. It's really quite "normal", although it's not at all healthy.

Taking care of oneself therefore is about moderation rather than extremes; the grey's rather than the blacks and whites; the some for you and some for me rather than the all or nothing; the both/and's rather than the either/or's. True, it's not as dramatic, or possibly not as exciting - at least not at first, but it is a whole lot more sustainable and substantive, and satisfying.

Mindfulness And Psychotherapy

The term "mindfulness" in conjunction with therapy is quite popular in certain circles now. So what does this actually mean? And why is it being associated with psychotherapy?

In its simplest form, mindfulness means, simply, awareness. To be mindful. To be aware. This awareness applies to all aspects of our experience, both internal and external. This would include our thoughts, images, beliefs, desires (our "cognitive" self), our bodily sensations, our feeling states or emotional experience, and our spiritual condition. Body, speech and mind, to use the Buddhist formula: our physical behaviors, what we say out loud, and both our cognitive and spiritual conditions.

Psychotherapy is, in the final analysis, about change. It's about doing things differently, it's about thinking about things differently, and it's about feeling differently than we do at present. It is not about awareness only, or mindfulness only, yet these are considered to be essential before desireable changes can be made. If my behavior is causing distress for example, I'm not likely to be able to change it to something healthier unless and until I have an awareness of what I'm doing, and some idea of what I'd rather be doing. The same holds true for what I'm thinking and feeling, believing and imagining.

Since much of what we think and imagine and believe, and even much of what we do, is out of consciousness, developing new self-awareness - becoming more mindful - is a key to successful therapy. It isn't enough by itself, but it's an essential step.

To Stay Or Not To Stay?

Whether to stay together in a long term relationship which has involved much hurt for both people, is a challenging question. If there is a child, or children involved, the question becomes more challenging, since we can assume that bad energy between partners has already adversely affected the children, and is continuing to do so. How much hurt is too much? Where is the point of no return, beyond which reconciliation and repair are simply not possible, and quitting the relationship would be best for all, including, in the final analysis, the children?

I wish there was a pat answer to these questions. I don't know one if there is. I do know that there is a point beyond which it would not be advisable to stay together, if our interest is in the wellbeing of all concerned. This point is reached when there has been so much hurt that sticking around and trying to make it right would be more injurious than helpful. I believe that people can and should suffer only just so much injury in relationships. I'm not an advocate of the martyr approach, which might recommend endless patience, endless justifications, endless apologies and endless relapses into hurtful behavior.

If there are children, they are witnessing hurtful relationship dynamics, and are learning how they are very likely to relate with other people, especially with their future partners. They are also experiencing repeated injury themselves, through their own fear (or terror), confusion, chaos, anger, or self blame that is part and parcel of being exposed to repeated hostility and discord.

If both adults feel strongly that they are able, willing, and desirous of making significant cognitive and behavioral changes for the better (with professional help of course), then it would be well worth trying. If either of them are ambivalent, the outcome may be harder to foresee. In all cases, the safety and wellbeing of the children need to be a first consideration, and this is not always a straightforward assessment.

If you are experiencing significant relationship discord, please get professionanl help right away. There's no need or good reason to wait while things get worse.

The Importance of Grief Work in Being Free

I recently saw a client who, along with other issues, is struggling with "frozen grief", having to do with realities from childhood that were, indeed, deeply sad, shame inducing, security destroying, and chaotic. The tears, as the subject came up, were right behind the eyeballs, the pain of the memories was present and palpable, yet this client has learned to use humor as a way of coping with these feelings, instead of actually working toward some level of real resolution and integration. In other words, the client is stuck in the past as far as this issue goes, and is therefore handicapped in current life.

The major theme to emerge during the session had to do with "honoring" this grief, acknowledging it's real importance, respecting it, and somehow finding a way or ways to give explicit form to it. Why drag up old hurts, some would ask? Simply because the ways in which these hurts so obviously impact current life in negative, undermining, destructive, and ironically painful ways is unhealthy, that is, it causes unhappiness.

Pretending that old hurts are in the past is simply an illusion. The reality is that these hurts will and do affect our lives today. If they were left in the past with no adverse affect in the present, we could agree with the "why not leave them in the past" approach. But that's just not the way it works. We're structured in such a way psychologically that our experiences have lasting impact, and traumatic experiences have lasting traumatic impact, unless they can be resolved, integrated, healed.

The "get over it" view is unfortunate, not just because it is lacking in compassion, but because it's unrealistic, it's bad science. Like a garden, we are organic beings with particular kinds of needs if we are to flourish. We can survive even if these needs are never met, but we cannot "do well". Grief work is a natural process of healing the psyche from traumatic wounding.