Follow Up On Grief

I happened to catch a piece on 20/20 last night about the realities of my last post. The piece was called "Living On The Edge", and it was about the crisis of ordinary people who have, or who are at serious risk of, losing their jobs and homes. These are people perhaps very much like you and me, that is, they are educated, solidly middle class families with children, who a short time ago were nicely employed as accountants, managers, even surgeons, and who are now either living in homeless shelters, or very close to losing their homes and to exhausting whatever savings they may have had.

Some of the children of these families made a video with the help, and at the request of their high school teacher. They called it "Is Anyone Listening?", and posted it on Youtube. It was a video of them sharing their feelings about what was happening to them and to their families, and it caught the attention of President Obama, who referred to it in one of his speeches, and who subsequently visited these teenagers at their school, to let them know that, indeed, someone was listening, and was trying to do something about fixing the disaster that was affecting so many people today.

The feelings expressed by these kids in their video certainly included the grief that I referred to in the previous post. They spoke openly, cried on camera, and or many, the experience of being able to share what was going on for them - which they had never done before - allowed the arousal of a new hope, and a sense that they were not alone, and that they no longer had to hide what was happening to them and to their families.

Please take this as an object lesson. Getting support for your feelings, even when you are not in as desperate a situation as these families are, is of the utmost importance in these extraordinary times, as it always is.



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Heightened Grief In Extremely Stressful Times

These are difficult times. There have been other times of difficulty, of course. Right now, given the enormous collapse - it's hard to over state the situation - of the world's economies, there is new suffering of a magnitude which is unprecedented certainly in my lifetime. Not tens, or scores, or hundreds, or even thousands, but many hundreds of thousands, or even millions of ordinary Americans have lost, or will lose their jobs and/or their homes. I don't know where they are exactly. Are they living with more fortunate relatives? Are they in homeless shelters? Are they on the streets? Remember, we're talking about entire families, including the sick and the very young.

These are the kinds of situations that we, in this country, are more accustomed to hearing about existing in other places in the world, places usually far distant from us, either geographically or at least psychologically. People old enough to have lived through the Great Depression of the thirties will of course feel not-so-distant from current events. For the rest of us though, how are we effected now by what's going on all around us, even if we ourselves have not yet been directly affected in the most challenging ways?

One of the effects, for those who are sensitive enough, or self-aware enough to recognize it, is an experience of heightened grief. For others, even if they are not aware of it, there is, without doubt, a "subterranean" (ie., unconscious) exposure to more fear, more loss, and more grief.

Not being aware of this however usually means that these emotional experiences play themselves out in ways that might be unrecognizable as what they really are. For example, people will somaticize their fear or grief, so that they develop physical symptoms in place of clear emotional experiences. Or, some people will express a lot more anger, when what's actually happening on a deeper level is fear or grief, which goes unidentified and unacknowledged, as well as unresolved.

I'd like to encourage everyone to recognize the unusually intensified emotional and psychological stresses that we are all subject to in these times, and to be certain to find or create the best possible networks of support that they can.



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Money And Partnership

Money represents all kinds of things for different people: power, security, freedom, happiness, love, equality or the lack of it, self worth, control, success. It should be no surprise then that money issues are one of the most contentious subjects for couples trying to find their way together.

"I want our expenses to be shared equally, and I don't feel that this is the case now".

"I want the freedom to spend some money on personal things without having to report every penny to my wife/husband/partner".

"I make more money than he/she does, so I should be able to do what I want with it."

"I think we should have separate checking accounts and manage our personal money separately."

"I think we should have joint accounts and pool our money."

"I'm the breadwinner, so I get to control how the money is spent."


These are just some of the kinds of issues that are common when starting to explore how money fits into a relationship. Ideally, couples can come to see and understand what money means to them, and so begin to see how their own relationship with money is played out with their partner. Then, while working to get support for the emotional meanings and vulnerabilities that money has for each of them, they can also begin to define real needs and areas where each can support the other in a truly collaborative, healthy, and rewarding partnership, whatever form that may end up taking.



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On-The-Job, On-The-Spot Meditation

You're used to being in charge. You've led an enormous organization and done a heck of a job at it too. You've seen what needed to get done, how it could be accomplished, and made sure your team was equipped with the knowledge and the tools to do it. People praised you; appreciated your abilities; showered you with great respect and admiration.

Now you find yourself in a position of "advisor" to a group leader. You have no real power to take charge, but can only make suggestions, or share your observations. On top of that, your boss now is someone you do not admire, and who's abilities you find serioulsy lacking. You know you could do the job much better, and you find yourself experiencing extreme frustration and even a kind of psychic/emotional pain because the organization is in deep trouble and you care about it deeply.

Oh, and by the way, you're a Buddhist whose "real" agenda, whose most profound motivation is the cultivation of an enlightened mind and heart. You haven't been able to practcice formal sitting meditation for over a year now, because of a certain intense anxiety that grips you whenever you even think about sitting. All of this is confusing and, of course, distressing.

Can the real life arena you're in provide you with meaningful opportunites to practice on-the-job meditation? Of course it can. In the midst of your every day activities, off the cushion, you are being given the contexts in which to cultivate the mindfulness and enlightened heart you so appreciate and desire. The only challenge? Why, your ego, of course.

How do you let go of the ego that has served you so well-at least professionally-in the past? How do you cultivate the ability to surrender to a higher truth, when you clearly see the truth of what you could be doing if you were only in the right position? How do you practice "turning it over" when you begin to recognize the compulsive/addictive/self destructive quality of your drive?

This situation, and others like it, have a kind of fire-like potential for transformational practice.

Not for the faint of heart though, there are many paths to enlightened mind.



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Being "Different" In A Cookie Cutter World

Without making too much of it, I think it's fair to say that, for the most part, people find it difficult to be different from the "the norm". There's always a great deal of pressure, from without and also from within, to fit in, to be one of the guys (or gals), to conform. If it turns out that you are unlike the "norm" in any significant way, this can create a considerable degree of tension, distress, uncertainty, self loathing and self doubt. When this happens, it is of crucial importance that you find people who can support and celebrate your differences, or simply somehow give you permission to be who you are.

Learning to accept oneself is a difficult enough challenge under the best of conditions. Throw in being a bit "odd", or unusual, or just a little "out of the box", and this developmental task can take on seemingly impossible proportions. I'd like to encourage all of you "differents" out there to take hope. Instead of waiting for the world to catch up to you, and berating yourself in the meanwhile, try on the idea that the rest of the world will not be likely to catch up, and that you can move forward blazing new paths without that happening.

I'm not recommending being isolated in your difference - although some of this may be inevitable because of rejection and misunderstanding. I urge you instead to cultivate the appreciation and support of those who can see you for who you are. Having the right kind of reflection of yourself from these people will help you to soar, or simply to feel at home in your own skin.



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Not An Option: Make Time To Go Inside

I suppose it might be more important for those who think of themselves as introverts, but then again it might not be. It might be just as important for just about everyone. What's "it"? Some version of time alone. Down time. Personal space. Reflection. Meditation time. Retreat. A break from the demands of every day. Time to go inward and connect in depth with one's spiritual core. Re-creation, independent of "what you do" and "who you think you are" in the world. The necessity of renewal from within.

It's a cliche, but I'll say it anyway: oh, how easy it is to lose track of oneself amidst the demands of daily life. By "oneself" I mean of course one's essence, one's beingness as distinct from one's doingness. The Source. God. Self. The One. And, how essential it becomes then to allow the times and the places to tune back in. This ought to be something one does every day, but I'm realistic enough to admit that most people don't; and even when people do some form of meditation or other "centering" practice, it is still of importance to allow special times for more intensive, focused, extended bathing in the Pool.

How are busy people, or poor people, or distracted people, or neurotic people supposed to be able to do this? I won 't pretend to know. I'll only say that, to employ another cliche, where there's a will there is indeed a way. So it really is, in my opinion, a matter of will, and not so much a matter of particular circumstances. Virtually any circumstances, short, I suppose, of the most extreme, can be worked with effectively.

Do yourself a favor: make the time to retreat back into Yourself. Make your spiritual practices more of a priority. You'll be glad you did.



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Gradual Steps, Practice, And "Small" Successes

Working with the pressures we put on ourselves to "perform", to be what we "should" be, to do things the way they're "supposed" to be done, even when trying to do these things creates enormous personal and interpersonal distress, presents some challenges. One of the most considerable of these challenges has to do with recognizing the larger cultural context within which pressures like these arise. In other words, this sort of distress isn't just "something wrong with me". It is also, and in a sense primarily, "something wrong with our culture", which then becomes one's personal story as well.

"If I could just muster enough self discipline to _________________", fill in your own blanks:
work a job, go to school, manage a household, shop, clean, study, socialize, pay bills, excel, take care of the kids, exercise, eat right, be sensitive to everyone else's needs................................

And when I fall short of these ridiculously and unrealistically high expectations, I manage quite well to feel terrible about myself. I'm not strong enough. I'm weak. I'm not smart enough. I'm not creative enough. I'm just basically no good. I'm certain many of you can relate easily with these feelings, and the mental messages that go along with them.

Here's an alternative strategy, which on the face of it might seem simplistic, or obvious: practice relating with yourself more kindly; more gently; more forgivingly; more realistically. I know, easier said than done. Of course. That's why I said "practice". Like the development of any skill, relationship skills - including the relationship with ourselves - require practice and cultivation. Some consistency, rather than a great, forceful push of intensity. Think in the long term: gradual, slow development over time.

I know this goes against virtually everything the larger culture presents to us. I know this is opposite to the "quick fix" mentality and set of expectations we're "supposed to" live by (even while great lip service is paid to the other, more "virtuous", more "wise", and indeed more realistic values of gradual progress). I recognize the contradictions, and I hope you will too, because recognizing them will play an important role in your being able to learn how to care for yourself in opposition to them, and to their representative voices in your head.

If you can't have your optimal set of circumstances, for whatever reasons, allow yourself to utilize smaller aspects of the things, people, and conditions that do in fact work for your benefit. Example: you'd really love to be living in a more natural, nature based environment, but currently this isn't possible because your needs - things that you've freely chosen, let's say - require you to be in the city, or in town. Not only that, but your current financial circumstances require you to live in a low-income part of town, which among other things, means that it isn't necessarily very safe, so you're afraid to go out and walk in your neighborhood.

OK. What can you do that might actually be helpful, healing, nurturing for yourself, within these constraints? Instead of concluding that there's nothing that you can do, how about implementing the above "smaller aspects" strategy? Can you create, inside your space, an environment that is composed of natural elements? Can you drive to a part of town, or even a ways out of town, to an area where you can feel safe walking in Nature? Can you have people whom you feel some closeness with into your space? In other words, try not to get caught in an "all or nothing" condition, where you become paralized by the sense of seeing only what you don't have, and nothing of what you might be able to have that would help.



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