Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Sacrifice In Healthy Relationship

I keep being reminded, or is it confirmed in my conviction that, in order for an intimate relationship to be successful and for it to last - you can call this "marriage" if you're so inclined, or "partnership", or whatever other designation seems meaningful to you - the two parties involved will need to come to understand the nature of commitment. And then, having developed a new understanding of commitment, they will need to be motivated to learn how to provide for the "care and feeding" of the relationship as a living, vital, vulnerable organism which has needs and requirements that at times will be different from those of either of the individuals involved in its care. Understanding this concept leads quite naturally to the idea that a sustainable and healthy committed intimate relationship requires sacrifice. For some, perhaps nowadays for many, this will be the kiss of death.

 There. I said it. The "S" word. If we think of sacrifice at all, perhaps we think of it in terms of service to country. Of course there's a lot of emotion connected with the sacrifices that members of the armed services make. They are, in our national rhetoric, "heroes". Their sacrifices are matters of public record and laudability. They epitomize the very nature of sacrifice. Then there are the religious figures who make sacrifices in terms of poverty, chastity, celibacy and service to others, and again, we tend to be able to recognize these, and to respect them, or even to be awed by them. While both of these examples clearly represent qualities of sacrifice, they may also seem removed from our every day lives. They may seem remote or extreme.

 The sacrifices that I'm referring to in terms of intimate relationships consist of a range of behavioral and emotional responses and interactions that might not automatically occur. They might not automatically occur because we tend to become positional when there is conflict; because we feel strongly the need to be right; because we aren't able to defer our own immediate gratification in the service of the larger picture; because we are all conditioned, and this conditioning very often works counter to healthy relationship rather than in its service.

 Example: This couple likes to drink. They have always done so, and often they drink to excess. When this occurs they not uncharacteristically devolve into meanness, saying things that they later recognize as destructive and hurtful, and that they regret. This pattern is long standing, and much damage has been done to the relationship. They are presented with the idea that they cannot continue this pattern and also expect any improvement or repair in the relationship. The idea of a new commitment arises: they are both clear that they will not give up drinking, but they are both willing, for the first time, to articulate a commitment to drinking moderately when they are with each other in social situations, which is where the destructive behaviors occur. An agreement to try this "experiment" for two months is made. The good news is that they both recognize that when they do not drink to excess, they are much better able, routinely, to communicate well, to nurture the relationship, and to experience the benefits of these behaviors. This new agreement can be said to constitute a sacrifice on both of their parts, in that they will need to give up something - excessive drinking - that they like to do, in the service of the health and welfare of the relationship, which is coming to be seen as a higher priority than it has previously been.

 mdavid-lpcc.com

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